I do not own the characters nor do I make any sort of financial gain. 

This is a story that resulted from “Home”.  You do not need to have read “Home” to follow this story, but there are references to it.

Many thanks to my beta Lacy, Midland Storm!

Murdoch brushed sweaty bangs back from Johnny’s forehead, noting that his fever had come down from yesterday.  Johnny was breathing easily; the congestion he had been experiencing earlier seemed to have cleared up appreciably.  Murdoch had kept him home from school the last couple of days, as Johnny battled the effects of an early winter cold.  It seemed his son was going to be fine, as Maria had reassured him earlier.  Murdoch didn’t know why he fussed so over his sons; they were healthy young boys who could easily fight off every-day colds.  The fact was he hadn’t had them that long, Johnny a bit over three years and Scott only a few months.  He was so afraid of losing them now that any sign of illness made him fret and worry. 

Johnny seemed to be sleeping peacefully, so Murdoch decided to see what Scott was up to.  He hadn’t talked to his oldest son much during the past couple of days as he tended to Johnny.  Murdoch had put off a conversation he needed to have with Scott since Johnny had become ill; it seemed like a good time to pursue it now.  It was still early enough in the evening that he could have that long talk with his son.

Murdoch eased himself off the bed so he wouldn’t wake Johnny.  He decided to leave the door open a bit so he could hear his ill son if he should wake or need anything.  He took one last look at Johnny, and crossed the hallway to Scott’s room.  Murdoch knocked softly and went in without invitation, leaving the door slightly ajar to hear Johnny if he should awaken.

Scott was lying on pillows propped up against the headboard reading a book.  His attention shifted to his father as Murdoch stepped into the room.

“Scott, I’d like to talk to you for a few minutes.”

Murdoch noticed sadly that a flicker of wariness seemed to flit across Scott’s face at the request.  But then Murdoch remembered that when his own father asked to talk to him ‘for a few minutes’ that it usually meant he had done something wrong.  He should have worded the request differently, but it was too late now.

Scott scooted up, and was going to bring his legs down to the floor, when Murdoch quickly sat down on the side of the bed.  “No need to get up, son.  Might as well be comfortable.”  He placed his hand on Scott’s thigh and patted it gently, recalling the ugly scar that remained from Shannon’s knife.   He felt Scott stiffen under his touch, obviously worried about what his father had to say.  Murdoch had hoped for a more relaxed atmosphere, but knew when the subject was brought up, that it would not be possible.

“What did you want to talk to me about, Sir?”

Murdoch looked into the eyes of his son, their color reflecting grey with flecks of blue.  Murdoch was always amazed that when he looked into Scott’s eyes, he always felt like he was looking into Catherine’s.  Like his mother, Scott’s eyes seemed to change slightly in color depending on what he was wearing and also what type of mood he was in. 

“I had a talk with Johnny a couple of days ago, son, and I wanted to talk to you about it earlier.  Then Johnny became ill and just hadn’t been able to before now.”

“Is Johnny okay, Sir?”

“Yes, Scott, he’s sleeping.  He’ll be fine.  By Monday he’ll be back in school.”

“Good.  . . . . So, what was it you and Johnny were talking about?”

“We were talking about growing up, and girls, and Johnny told me that he’d already talked to you about it.”   Murdoch had said those words very calmly without any hint of accusation.  He studied his son intently, watching for his reaction.   Scott’s leg moved under Murdoch’s hand as he tried to sit a little taller up on the bed.

“Yes, Father.  He asked me some things about girls.” 

Murdoch smiled.  Scott had picked up the habit of referring to Murdoch as ‘sir’ out of respect or when he thought he was in trouble, ‘pa’ in everyday use or when he thought he could soften his father’s heart, and ‘father’ when he wanted to convey that he was an adult and grown up.  It just depended on how Scott intoned the word.  Murdoch realized that it usually worked, especially when Scott called him ‘pa’.  There was something about that word that Murdoch relished, and Scott could sense it.

“Well, it’s good to know that your brother can come to you with questions, Scott.  But, it’s a serious subject and I’m curious as to what you told him.”

Scott looked away from his father, thinking about the words he would say in reply.  His father didn’t seem angry, but Scott wasn’t sure if he was in trouble or not.  Johnny had asked him for help, and Scott thought he should give it. 

Clearing his throat and looking back at Murdoch, he proceeded.  “I told him what I knew, Sir.”

“And what was that, Scott?”

Scott wasn’t sure if his father needed to know exactly everything Scott knew.  As long as he could remember, the female servants, their female children, and even the little girls of his father’s friends had been friendly to him.  He found out quickly that he liked their touch, the way they smelled, the way they smiled, and their gentleness.  They gave him something he lacked.  He didn’t know what it was, but he loved their attention and yearned for the feminine touch.

“Scott.” His father’s voice brought him back to the question at hand.  “I asked you what you told your brother.”

“I told him that girls were different than boys.  He wanted to know Pa.  I just told him what I knew.  I didn’t think we had done anything wrong.  He asked about how they were different, and about what love was.”  Scott looked at his father, all pretense of adulthood gone.  He looked afraid, like a boy who might have done something wrong, but he didn’t know what it was.

Murdoch brought his hand up to Scott’s face and tenderly tracked down his cheek, trying to relay comfort.  “It’s okay, Scott.  I’m not mad.  I just need to know what you told him.  Johnny is growing up and I want to make sure he realizes that his body is changing.  I don’t want him to be confused, or afraid, or to feel that he’s alone.  Son, I also want him to value women, girls, and always treat them with respect.”

Scott seemed to calm a bit at his father’s touch.  He knew what his father was talking about.  Scott had felt the same thing a couple of years ago and had only been trying to help his brother, knowing and understanding what Johnny was feeling.

“Son, Johnny said you drew pictures.  May I see them?”

After hesitating a few moments, Scott replied to his father.  “I didn’t draw the pictures, Sir.  They were copied from drawings in a medical book.”

“Where did you get the drawings, Scott?  Did you draw them?”

“No, Sir.   Grandfather asked our family doctor to talk to me about growing up and girls.  He had a book with the pictures, and he had someone copy them for me.”

Murdoch felt a tug of guilt, remembering his thoughts about asking Sam to explain sex to Johnny and dismissing the thought as cowardly.  Garrett had actually asked a doctor to talk to his grandson about the facts of life.  He’d probably paid the doctor to do it also.

“Scott, did the doctor come to your house to talk to you?”

“No, Sir.  I had an appointment with him.”

Garrett did pay someone to do it!  

“May I see the pictures?”

Murdoch noticed Scott’s eyes were more crystal now, hooded and unsure of himself.   Scott made a move to get off the bed, but Murdoch stopped him.  “Just tell me where they are, Son.”

“They’re in the bottom drawer of my dresser, in the top journal.”

Murdoch moved off the bed and opened the dresser drawer.  On top was a notebook, a nondescript grey journal that looked like an accountant’s ledger.  He picked it up and returned to the bed.    Opening the journal, he noted three charcoal drawings.  The first one he picked up was labeled ‘female womb’, ‘the second was labeled ‘baby in womb’, and the third was labeled ‘male organs’.  The drawings were detailed and seemed very well done, in a clinical sense. 

Suddenly Murdoch was engulfed with sadness that his son had learned about sex through a paid doctor’s appointment.  Love probably didn’t play a large part, if any, in the explanation.   Angrily Murdoch thought that if Harlan had taken on the responsibility of raising his grandson, he should have at least taken on the responsibility of talking to Scott about maturing into a man.

Murdoch closed the journal and addressed Scott.  “Did your grandfather tell you anything about growing up and the changes you would feel?”

Scott shrugged, thinking his grandfather should have, but didn’t want to lie to his father about it.  “He said at my 13^th birthday that I was a man.  Then he sent me to the doctor.  He didn’t say anything else.”

“Son, there are a lot of things involved with being a man, not just being attracted to a woman.  It involves integrity, honor, doing the right thing even when it’s hard.”

“Yes, Sir.  I know that.”  Scott looked into his father’s eyes, wanting to tell him all he had experienced, but not knowing how.  “One of grandfather’s servants talked to me about that, but she said it applied to everyone, not only men.”

“Who was that, Son?”

“Her name was Maggie.  She’d worked for grandfather for a long time.  Ever since I can remember she worked for him.  But she was more than that, you know, Pa.  She had so much courage.  More than anyone I know.  And I let her down.”  Scott bowed his head, recalling what he had done and how ashamed he had been that Maggie had found out about it.

“How did you let her down, Scott?”

Scott looked around the room, wondering how he would tell his father what he had done.  He had tried to relay to Johnny how important it was to do the right thing when Johnny asked, and Scott had tried to do the right thing, but it hadn’t turned out right.  Scott looked back at his father and saw only warmth and concern looking back at him. 

“It was Christine.  Christine’s mother worked for grandfather.  I talked about her on the fishing trip.  Do you remember?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Christine was beautiful.  She was 17, long dark hair, she was sweet, and smelled so good.  She liked me, a lot.  She’d come around me when I was alone.  She teased me and said I was pretty.  I used to get so mad at her for saying that.  Pretty is for girls.”  Scott stopped and stole a look at his father’s face, trying to judge his reaction.  He couldn’t see anything there, just an attentive look from his father.  Emboldened by his father’s lack of condemnation, he continued.

“Christine’s mother was a cook for grandfather and a good friend of Maggie’s.  They were cousins; I think they were second cousins.  Well, one day when I was the only one in the house, Christine came to my room.  I didn’t know we were alone, and I didn’t know what she wanted.  She was always running her fingers through my hair, rubbing my shoulders, and Maggie was always after her to leave me alone.  Maggie talked to me once about it and told me that Christine was forward.  She said I should tell her to leave me alone.”  Once again Scott stopped and picked at the comforter on the bed.

“Go on, Son,” Murdoch said softly.

“Well, Christine came to my room and she was so pretty and she started doing things.” 

“What kind of things?” Murdoch encouraged.

Scott blushed, remembering her smell, her softness, and her hands.  “It didn’t seem like we were doing anything wrong, Pa.  She said she loved me and that she wanted me to love her.  I didn’t know what she meant at first, but I wanted to do what she wanted.  So, I did.”  Scott stopped; the truth out, for the first time he had told someone else what had happened. 

“Afterwards, I didn’t know what to do, if I’d done something bad.  It didn’t feel bad when I was doing it, and Christine said she loved me.  I told her we could get married when I was older.  She kind of laughed at that, but didn’t say no.”

Scott looked again at his father, afraid of what his father’s reaction might be.  Murdock was very quiet, his head bowed, not looking at Scott.  Suddenly, Scott was more afraid that his father was disappointed in him than he was that Maggie had found out about the relationship.

Finally Murdoch spoke.  “Did Maggie find out?”

“Yes, Sir.  She never said anything it about to grandfather.  She knew her friend would be fired if she did.  I put her in an awful position, but she never got mad at me for it.  I know she was sad though about it.”  Scott played distractedly with his fingers.  He thought that he’d feel better telling his father, but he didn’t.

“Was that the only time you and Christine were together?”

Scott didn’t answer, just hung his head and distractedly picked again at the comforter.  He felt his father’s hand grip his chin and bring his face up to look at him.  “Scott, was that the only time you and Christine were together?”

“No, Sir.  We were together all summer, until she got married that fall.”  Scott remembered that day.  He thought it was the end of the world when she married someone else.  It still hurt, even now.

“How old were you, Scott?”

“I was 13.”

“Scott, Son, you were too young for a relationship like that.  You’re still too young for a relationship like that.”  Murdoch waited a few moments, trying to collect the right words to say.  “It should never have happened, and that young woman should not have done that to you.  I know she hurt you, deeply, but she was wrong.  And Son, I know it was difficult, is difficult because you are healthy, young and sometimes things are uncontrollable.  But if something like that should happen again, you need to talk to me about it, okay?  I won’t be angry, but you are old enough now that a child could result.  Do you understand?”

Scott felt the tears and shame come.  What once he had been proud of and excited by, had long since turned to disappointment and hurt.  He had loved Christine, he still did.  He thought about her now, how she looked when she laughed, how she made him feel important and special.  He wondered what she was doing, where she was, if she had any children.  He knew, regardless of how young he had been that he would love her for the rest of his life.

“Scott, listen to me.  Many boys, many men, wouldn’t think much about what they had done.  I believe you loved this girl, even though you were only 13.  I’m proud of you, Scott.  I’m proud of you because you are a decent, honorable human being and wanted to do the right thing.”

All of a sudden it struck Murdoch.  His 13 year old son had made love to a 17 year old woman for an entire summer.  Scott had experienced the physical aspects of sex, and had fallen in love.  What was Murdoch going to do with him now? 

The first matter of business, however, was what he had told Johnny.

“Scott, did you mention any of this to Johnny?”

“Not all of it, Sir.”

“What exactly did you tell Johnny.”

“I showed him the pictures.  I thought that would be okay since they were from a doctor.  We talked about different feelings when girls come around, or when we think of them.”  Scott stopped and smiled.  “He asked me if I shaved yet.  I said no.”  He lifted his gaze up to his father’s and he had a huge smile.  “He said he thought he was getting hair on his chest.  We looked for it, but couldn’t find any.  I told him he just needed a bath, and he hit me.”  Scott was laughing by the time he finished the sentence. 

Murdoch chuckled, imagining his two sons looking for invisible hairs on Johnny’s chest.  “Did you tell him about Christine?” Murdoch asked more seriously.

“Not all of it.  Just basically what we had talked about at the cabin.  I didn’t tell him about the rest of it.” 

“I’ll talk to Johnny some more.  You do understand, Son that you should not have a relationship again like you had with Christine until you are much older, and preferably married.  Correct?”

“Yes, Sir.  I know.  But …” Scott hesitated to go further with what he was going to say.

“But, what, Scott?”

“Well, it was kind of fun.”

Murdoch looked sharply at his son.  “It is not meant to be fun.”  Immediately after the words were out of his mouth, Murdoch realized they were the wrong ones. 

“I mean, it is meant to be enjoyed by a married couple.  By a married couple, Son,” Murdoch stressed.

“Yes, Sir.” 

There was a slight smile on Scott’s lips and a glimmer in his eyes.  Indeed, what was Murdoch going to do with him now?

Comments are welcome and may be directed to sairy@sio.midco.net