NOT TO BE TAKEN AS A REFLECTION OF MY OWN EXPERIENCE, BUT I AM SURE WE CAN ALL RELATE. NOT MINE, JUST FOR FUN, so excuse all mistakes!
“Shit, I knew I shouldn’t have had an extra helping of that chocolate cake! Ohhhh, God help me….ohhhhh. I feel like… crap.” Sweat was beading on his forehead and he was close to hyperventilating. All he could do was hold his stomach and bend over.
“Heaven help me… chile with tamales… and chocolate cake don’t mix well. Ohhhhh…how much more can I…..argh!”
Once his stomach was exorcised, he looked around and could not see what he now needed the most. Nothing left to do but give a shout out.
“Hello…. Anybody there? I can’t believe this….urgh, what am I suppose to do? Damn…. HELLO? Please can anybody hear me? (Whimper…)
“This is so fucking embarrassing. H E Y….I need some help here! I am getting sore just sitting here. Fuck, fuck, fuck…. OK, I’ll just get up and take… my self out and… get to my…. Fuck, this feels so gross. Fucking … HELLO!”
Moments pass.
“Oh come on now. I know somebody can hear. Get your ass up here and help me out! Come on Boston…Scott? (Silence) Murdoch…Pa’? (Silence)… Teresa, Maria? Oh come on…somebody has to be in…. J E L L Y….?”
“Fuck this!“ He held his stomach hoping the worst was over.
Time goes by so slow when one is occupied doing nothing but sitting. Finally Johnny hears a door and he quietly listens, intensely. He hears footsteps.
“Oh thank God…”
“H E L L O…?
Anybody?”
More footsteps. Then a shiver goes down his spine. “God, please don’t let it be Scott.”
“Hello?...”
At last a familiar voice, “Johnny? Son, are you all right?”
“Oh thank God… Murdoch, uh, I sortta have a problem in this here new water closet.”
“Johnny, what . did. you. do?”
He straightened his back and huffed out his response. “Hey, I resent your accusational tone Murdock? What makes you think I did something?” He then thought about his last comment.
“Um, well, I… actually did something… “ He snorts a giggle.
“…but nothing that would cause you to assume I did something wrong!”
“Ahem, well, son…being that I am on the opposite side of this door and you are…indisposed? Just what is the problem?”
“Fuck…”
“What?”
“Ah, sorry, I’ve just been… sitting here for so long…. I’m a bit…. frustrated….you know…learning the… uh…the do’s and don’t of our new water closet… and stuff.”
“Johnny!”
“OK, crap…” Feeling a bit embarrassed he lets loose. “I…uh,…Idon’thaveanythingtowipemyasswith! There I said it.”
“Son, you said something, but I didn’t quite get what you said.”
Now beet red, he shouts out. “SHIT, MURDOCH…I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO WIPE THE SHIT OFF MY ASS!”
Taken back a bit, Murdoch attempts a soothing voice. “Oh! Oh, well then, I’ll see what I can do for you.” Murdoch couldn’t help but chuckle. “Uh, just sit tight!” He barked out a laugh as he walked away to help solve Johnny’s problem.
Sulking as he sat on his throne, he cried out. “NOT FUNNY!”
His shout then became a whisper. “Not. Fucking. Funny! Shit, I still feel like crap.”
He held his stomach and reached a conclusion. “Now I know why the call them crappers!”
07/2013
[A little history here: The flush toilet, or water closet as it is called in Crapper's (inventor) homeland, changed the course of history by allowing society to live with itself. It is more than valves and arms and floats that hiss and gurgle - the flush toilet is the very symbol of modern civilization. It has done more for public health than all the doctors since Hippocrates. Life without the water closet is, for most of us, a horror beyond imagination - so unspeakable and unacceptable that we cannot conjure up the prospect. Hence, a need to remember to restock on toilet paper! ”